Oh hey blog...

It's funny that I tend to blog in October. 
I swear near my birthday the introspection always begins. What am I doing? What should I be doing?
What do I truly think? 

Right now I'm in a crazy place blog. 
I'm writing from a state of being unsure. I need to unpack these thoughts. It's typically cathartic. Its crazy that my blog has had so many views.  It makes me leery to share. But I don't mind sharing. Who's going to judge me that has not already? At least if I share my thoughts perhaps I can paint a more clear picture of myself.

Thats the thing though...does what others think of you actually matter? Is the opinion of a stranger of any importance? There's this thing that most ppl have. I'm not sure what its called but it causes them to be embarrassed, and self conscious. I don't have that, which kind of sounds like a good thing. Right? But I think its that same awareness of other humans that causes people to be philanthropists and activists and involved with things.

I could not care less.
I feel as though we are each having a unique experience in this thing we call life. I've never really felt like what was going on with other ppl should matter to me. But now I'm learning that if I don't come down to Earth and acknowledge these other humans I may miss out on some grey experiences on this plain. 

With all the #blacklivesmatter vs #alllivesmatter I sit and ask myself if other people matter to me. I built this thing. This idea that basically if someone wasn't pro Ash, then that discounted their existence to me. This ability to write people off. But so many things have been brought to my attention was of late.
For one I'm NOT always right. (mind blown)
For two the way other people feel does matter....
People are humans, they make mistakes, they have differences of opinions but that doesn't make them unworthy of a second thought. So the guard I have up, is slowly being dismantled. I don't know what I will meet on the other side. But I've made what may seem like a baby step to you reading this but its like an awakening to me. 
Other people matter. This isn't the Truman Show. 

Gasp I've also learned that you can't just say and do what you want. But thats another topic for a different day.

Be cool

I'm twenty four

Its my birthday weekend. 
What that means to me is that it's basically New Years right now.
Now is new.
I've never been this old before. This is the youngest I'll ever be again.
Obvi I'm blogging today bc I want to document the thoughts of 24 yr old Ash. 
-What's going to be different this year?
-What's going to remain constant?
I feel like you do yourself a disservice if you never take the time to think inwardly. Not only that to record your thoughts. I'm pretty private with my ACTUAL thoughts.

Anyone who knows me, knows I say whats on my mind and I can be blunt at times. For lack of a better word. But my actual thoughts. About how I actually feel...I don't share often. 

I am actually trying to be more transparent. Let a few ppl in. This blog is an attempt to be more open. But I had 15 page views yesterday. Thats crazy to me. Especially bc I'd only blogged once in the yr 2014.

Anywho the topic at hand. 24. 24 on the 24th. I heard that makes this my "golden year"

Well let me get to the gold then!

-Ash

23 and I'm just getting started

I'm on my shit. 

Living a beautiful life. 

Laughing daily. 

Taking things in stride. 

I'm good. 

Stressy

So my last post I was oh so employable. Alas I am on the job hunt again.

I just need.

I want to do more. I want to do what I love. I really like my job, but I don't make enough money doing it. I'm nervous that I am not living up to my full potential. I'm not putting my degree to use.
I want to travel.
I want to learn.
I want to teach.
I want to not stress my gf out talking about money.

Maybe if I get these thoughts down they'll stop swirling about in my head. I need the room in my brain to fill out job applications. I know I'll find something soon. I'm thankful for my current employment.
My life is pretty awesome so I need to tone down the pity party.

Maybe if I get these thoughts down I'll be fine. Ok so here are my options:

Get a second job. Extra money until I can move up at my current job.
Find a sugar daddy.
Go back to school...........
Abandon fashion, get a higher paying job where no one cares what I'm wearing. EXCEPT that I cant wear my piercings, tattoos and locs...
Don't find another job continue to struggle and complain.
Become a surrogate mother/ sell my eggs/ sell plasma and bone marrow.
Ditch my apt and live smaller and cheaper.
Get rich off dih blawg.


ok those are all of my options...
I see my blog as a way of talking to myself. So I'm sure I'll update myself soon.

Ash

I have a problem, I get JOBS!!

Heavy sigh.
This may not seem like a problem to most. Especially in "this economy" whatever that means. But seriously it is very stressful to receive job offers and new opportunities left and right when you're trying to get acclimated to one!

Yesterday I had to turn down a job I previously accepted. A job I've want since high school. A job I've interviewed for 4 frigging times. All because I had to do what I felt was right. It didn't feel like the right fit for me so why even begin the training process?

I am enjoying my current job. Although the uncertainty of commission keeps me up at night. So as I am content with my employment, so much so that I turned down a more practical position, I am approached about yet another position. Another interview. More interest in me. Why must I be so employable.

Can I work somewhere a year before a new opportunity presents itself? Or nah.

Ugh. *Sets up phone interview*

You probably shouldn't read this... 5.26.2013

I can blog about it though lol.

I can’t write about you.

Like when you write things they actually exist to me.

Words are all I have and it scares me to write this.

I can’t let you read this.

I can’t tell you I wrote about you.

Not for awhile.

When I write I get fake deep.

Tears well up behind my eyes for no reason at all.

Im not upset.

But,

When I begin to get all these thoughts out… its like they all TRY to rush to the page.

I cant write for you.

I cant let you read my real thoughts.

Because then things are real.

I used to let Stink read everything.

I let her in.

I wrote, well threw something together for Lunchbox.

I let him in.

I’m not ready.

My words are my last wall.

My last guard.

If I were to write how I feel.

Then it would be real.

I love having this blog.
But I never use it. 
Heaviest of sighs. 
I like to look back and read the thoughts of an earlier self so I shall post today. 
I think I'm going to write a short story and post it later. 
Yea.

-Ash