Oh hey blog...

It's funny that I tend to blog in October. 
I swear near my birthday the introspection always begins. What am I doing? What should I be doing?
What do I truly think? 

Right now I'm in a crazy place blog. 
I'm writing from a state of being unsure. I need to unpack these thoughts. It's typically cathartic. Its crazy that my blog has had so many views.  It makes me leery to share. But I don't mind sharing. Who's going to judge me that has not already? At least if I share my thoughts perhaps I can paint a more clear picture of myself.

Thats the thing though...does what others think of you actually matter? Is the opinion of a stranger of any importance? There's this thing that most ppl have. I'm not sure what its called but it causes them to be embarrassed, and self conscious. I don't have that, which kind of sounds like a good thing. Right? But I think its that same awareness of other humans that causes people to be philanthropists and activists and involved with things.

I could not care less.
I feel as though we are each having a unique experience in this thing we call life. I've never really felt like what was going on with other ppl should matter to me. But now I'm learning that if I don't come down to Earth and acknowledge these other humans I may miss out on some grey experiences on this plain. 

With all the #blacklivesmatter vs #alllivesmatter I sit and ask myself if other people matter to me. I built this thing. This idea that basically if someone wasn't pro Ash, then that discounted their existence to me. This ability to write people off. But so many things have been brought to my attention was of late.
For one I'm NOT always right. (mind blown)
For two the way other people feel does matter....
People are humans, they make mistakes, they have differences of opinions but that doesn't make them unworthy of a second thought. So the guard I have up, is slowly being dismantled. I don't know what I will meet on the other side. But I've made what may seem like a baby step to you reading this but its like an awakening to me. 
Other people matter. This isn't the Truman Show. 

Gasp I've also learned that you can't just say and do what you want. But thats another topic for a different day.

Be cool

I'm twenty four

Its my birthday weekend. 
What that means to me is that it's basically New Years right now.
Now is new.
I've never been this old before. This is the youngest I'll ever be again.
Obvi I'm blogging today bc I want to document the thoughts of 24 yr old Ash. 
-What's going to be different this year?
-What's going to remain constant?
I feel like you do yourself a disservice if you never take the time to think inwardly. Not only that to record your thoughts. I'm pretty private with my ACTUAL thoughts.

Anyone who knows me, knows I say whats on my mind and I can be blunt at times. For lack of a better word. But my actual thoughts. About how I actually feel...I don't share often. 

I am actually trying to be more transparent. Let a few ppl in. This blog is an attempt to be more open. But I had 15 page views yesterday. Thats crazy to me. Especially bc I'd only blogged once in the yr 2014.

Anywho the topic at hand. 24. 24 on the 24th. I heard that makes this my "golden year"

Well let me get to the gold then!

-Ash

23 and I'm just getting started

I'm on my shit. 

Living a beautiful life. 

Laughing daily. 

Taking things in stride. 

I'm good. 

Stressy

So my last post I was oh so employable. Alas I am on the job hunt again.

I just need.

I want to do more. I want to do what I love. I really like my job, but I don't make enough money doing it. I'm nervous that I am not living up to my full potential. I'm not putting my degree to use.
I want to travel.
I want to learn.
I want to teach.
I want to not stress my gf out talking about money.

Maybe if I get these thoughts down they'll stop swirling about in my head. I need the room in my brain to fill out job applications. I know I'll find something soon. I'm thankful for my current employment.
My life is pretty awesome so I need to tone down the pity party.

Maybe if I get these thoughts down I'll be fine. Ok so here are my options:

Get a second job. Extra money until I can move up at my current job.
Find a sugar daddy.
Go back to school...........
Abandon fashion, get a higher paying job where no one cares what I'm wearing. EXCEPT that I cant wear my piercings, tattoos and locs...
Don't find another job continue to struggle and complain.
Become a surrogate mother/ sell my eggs/ sell plasma and bone marrow.
Ditch my apt and live smaller and cheaper.
Get rich off dih blawg.


ok those are all of my options...
I see my blog as a way of talking to myself. So I'm sure I'll update myself soon.

Ash

I have a problem, I get JOBS!!

Heavy sigh.
This may not seem like a problem to most. Especially in "this economy" whatever that means. But seriously it is very stressful to receive job offers and new opportunities left and right when you're trying to get acclimated to one!

Yesterday I had to turn down a job I previously accepted. A job I've want since high school. A job I've interviewed for 4 frigging times. All because I had to do what I felt was right. It didn't feel like the right fit for me so why even begin the training process?

I am enjoying my current job. Although the uncertainty of commission keeps me up at night. So as I am content with my employment, so much so that I turned down a more practical position, I am approached about yet another position. Another interview. More interest in me. Why must I be so employable.

Can I work somewhere a year before a new opportunity presents itself? Or nah.

Ugh. *Sets up phone interview*

You probably shouldn't read this... 5.26.2013

I can blog about it though lol.

I can’t write about you.

Like when you write things they actually exist to me.

Words are all I have and it scares me to write this.

I can’t let you read this.

I can’t tell you I wrote about you.

Not for awhile.

When I write I get fake deep.

Tears well up behind my eyes for no reason at all.

Im not upset.

But,

When I begin to get all these thoughts out… its like they all TRY to rush to the page.

I cant write for you.

I cant let you read my real thoughts.

Because then things are real.

I used to let Stink read everything.

I let her in.

I wrote, well threw something together for Lunchbox.

I let him in.

I’m not ready.

My words are my last wall.

My last guard.

If I were to write how I feel.

Then it would be real.

I love having this blog.
But I never use it. 
Heaviest of sighs. 
I like to look back and read the thoughts of an earlier self so I shall post today. 
I think I'm going to write a short story and post it later. 
Yea.

-Ash

I'VE CHECKED SOME THINGS OFF!! 

 

This list is certainly a work in progress a buttt here we go ASHLEIGH"S BUCKET LIST:

-Sky Dive

-tattoo

-24 stamps on my passport

-Walk the runway in a televised fashion show

-Adopt children

- Get a big black dog, Name him Micheal Vick

-FLUENT in another language.. besides sarcasm

-donate my hair to locks of love

-Scuba dive

-Have something published

-Go to Paris to take a pastry class

-Love at first sight. . . 

-Own a boat

-Find out if I have a fear? concur it. (I really dont have any irrational fears I mean I have things I dont like but there isnt one thing that I am just AFRAID of)

-try sushi

-Learn to: skateboard, play the guitar, and pilot a plane

-Read the entire Bible

-Have a dope Azz blog!!

This is all I can think of. If I keep up this blog I'll refer back and check things off ^__^ I wish everyone I knew would post their bucket list because I know yall have some cool ish you want to do!

Thanks for reading 

Ash.

Job. Job. Job.

Ahhhh quick post from the iPhone. 😏

I MUST find a big girl job. Like now. Trying not to stress or get discourage but this post undergrad life is like woah. 3.5 yrs sitting in a classroom didn't do all that to sit at home watching Teen Mom!! 😖

I want a job that I enjoy and I have faith that employment will some come!

Be the Change that You Want to See

Camden, NJ I spent many a weekend there as a child. A rough place to grow up but the Williams family has always been a pillar in the community. My daddy: a personal trainer, a coach, a mentor. Recognized today for his efforts to mentor and train Camden youths. Him and my uncle transformed the basement in to a gym as well as a safe haven for these young men and women to be productive!

Lately there has been lots of talk about the violence and the bleak state of Camden lately but I'm so proud of my dad for taking action. Doing something, as he's always done, to help out the community with physical fitness! I'm so proud!


Check out the video!! Jeff's Gym 

Omg I soooooo want this one day.

Not much to say about this. One of the beautiful women I watch on Youtube got married. She had a BEAUTIFUL ceremony and it was captured so well!!!!

One day, when I get married, I want a video like this. I just keep watching it. It was so well done!!!

Ahhh I love LOVE!

~ash

Congrats grad!!

Amazing day with family. Congratulations to my cousin! So happy I could make it down to celebrate!! I love you Jas!!

To whom it may concern...

L train + 6 train + cab + Megabus + R1 train + Phil to charlotte flight + charlotte to Atl + my BFF's car= I did wayyyy to much shit to get here. But to whom it may concern....I am BACK!

This is a personal blog. 

You ever scroll through your old pics and reminisce? Of course you do! Duh. Anyway today I came across this one. I cant remember how old I was but it was pre natural days so it was a while back. In the car. With my ex. I cried that night. Back when I gave af about the success of my love life. I dont remember what the issue was but I went from tears to photo shoot time. Thats just how we were.       Crazy in love.  How do you get to a place where an imminent relationship just brings thoughts of future doom and issues and like just immediate shaking my head? 

Idk idk thats where I am though.  

Giving myself a headache thinking about it. Which reminds me!!


NOW HIRING: Head massager, good with your hands and enjoys the feel of natural hair. Compensation ---->amazing conversation, or we could just chill and listen to songs.

personal blog.

Hey all,
I had an on the spot interview today. (no big news) So on the interview one again I was asked "Ashleigh what is it that you want to do?" I'm always stuck at this question. I suck at lying so I struggled out some response about loving fashion.....-_____-
So if theres something going on in my life, more than likely I have a book about it. I left the interview and hit the book store.
WTF DO I WANT TO DO?
So I picked out these (knee cameo) --->

So I copped a squat on the floor and sorted through. Some gave general bs advice about salutations on a cover letter or make up in 5 minutes flat! Ehh heres my hell no pile. ---> 

Here are the few I'd like to revisit and I'd recommend you flipping through --->

I bought the bottom two: Pro Blogger Third Edition. Perhaps I can take this here lil blog somewhere? And I COULD Do ANYTHING, if only I knew what IT was. It has little exercises to help you sort out what it is you really want. Lets see.. it shall make for some in flight reading material if anything. 

I've got GOODIES!!!

Soooo here's what happened:
Im on this super search to find a graduation dress. I'm in New York but the struggle is still REAL. I went to 5th Ave initially. J. Crew, random boutique, and Abercrombie let me down. :( Walked past a bunch of store I cant afford then I got serious! 


Hop on the Q32 head to TJ Maxx. (Proud Maxinista dammit)
As usual I couldn't find it so I go in to another off price retailer called Daffy's.
Never been here didnt find a dress BUT the mens section proved amazing!! I got two pair of stripey socks, Cole Haan and Calvin Klein. And a pair of Lucky brand briefs. (they make my butt look goood) FOR THE LOW..
Anywho here are my goodies! Check them out if you have one near you.
http://www.daffys.com/store-locator

:D Ash

Thank God for granting me, this moment of clarity....

So my epiphany hit me at approx 9:50 pm September 20, 2011

I'll start from the beginning. Today in visual merchandising class we are working on a window display project. I raise my hand an ask "In the real world, for projects like these will there always be a group of ppl having to agree on a single display? Sounds annoying to compromise for a living"
The reply was no, not if youre the art director or you are in charge. Mostly ppl discuss ideas and the one in charge says yes or no.

Later in this same class we break in to our groups...blah blah blah group work is for the birds.
My professor asked us to write up a detailed plan for action for our project. Write out each and every step literally. Once we turned in our plans she tells us "whoever has the most detailed plan will be the project manager. It is the most responsibility b/c u must delegate and make sure everything goes smoothly and is completed"

All day afterwards all I could think was- Damn I hope I'm project manager!!
I have a type A personality. I like to lead and I like things to go right. In my mind right is my way!
So I get online looking up internships and up until this point I couldnt pinpoint exactly what it was I wanted to do with my life. I knew it would be fashion oriented but beyond that I wasnt sure.
PROJECT MANAGEMENT
Sooo for example you work for Louis Vitton. Yall want to launch a belt line and revamp the whole campaign effectively and inexpensively. You then hire ME. I come in tell who what to do and when to do it. You trust my consulting opinion because I DO THIS. If theres one thing I know how to do, its how to be RIGHT. Just ask my exes! Lmao
Ahhh if youre still reading youre amazing! Im researching my future career as we speak...... <3

Oh my po lil blog!

I've missed thee. Getting my thoughts out. Its really a release I didnt know I would miss. 

Randomness swirling swirling. 

My mind goes from thinking about this young man and what went wrong wit that shit, to what am I doing upon graduation, to adding ish to my To Do List, to what will I eat next even tho I dont think I should be eating, to praying for strength. But I digress. 

I'm back updating my lil blog! :) If you're reading this heyyyyyy you! lol

Today's topic is, my selective memory.

I can mentally block out events that happened. Things I didn't like. People I regret meeting. Arguments I regret having. I can delete it from my memory. But is it really gone? Like one day will I think back and recall all foolishness Ive chosen not to dwell on for the sake of my emotional stability? 

Will all the times Ive decided to play it cool all add up and one day I become that girl who cries and stuff?

I have like a storage locker in my brain (or maybe its in my heart) that I don't go in to. I just throw all stupid shit in there. Things I'd rather not think about and I lock it. The end. Eventually I forget, the happening turn in to hazy unfocused even dream like experiences. I'm like did that shit really happen? Yes Ash it did you just decided it didn't.......... hmmmm

I hope my bullshit cup never runs over. Then I'll end up on an episode of snapped somewhere! lol

I dont really ever forgive ppl and I for damn sure dont forget transgressions. I just take note put it in my storage of forgets, and select not to remember....

Very Superstitious

I often feel the need to have a preface for things. Kinda to ward off comments on things that I have already thought through. So here is the disclaimer: I have faith in God. I do believe all things can be done through Christ who strengthens me. I walk with conscious faith in the higher being of my choosing. Thus I do consider myself a Christian. HOWEVER I'm in to astrology and I have lots of superstitions that I stick to!


Im walking out of my door headed to work. They've been painting my apartment complex for weeks now. Sooo between myself and my car are two men on ladders painting. Ppl are walking under happily not knowing the bad luck they are possibly accruing for themselves!! Although I do have somewhere to be I walk myself alll the way around the building. Yes its that serious. This time last week I had to be carried AROUND the ladder b/c I refused to walk under it or on the fake ivy they have planted!


For example here are some of the old wives tales that I know of: 
Step on a crack break your mamas back (no jk)
- Don't look into a broken mirror
- Don't make a toast w empty glasses
- Don't talk about ppl or you'll have ugly kids
- DO NOT SWEEP MY FEET!!!
-Dream about fish someone is pregnant
- A baby isn't supposed to see themselves in a mirror until a year or 6 months
- Don't take the Lords name in vain
- If it rains on your wedding thats good luck
-If you're carrying low you're having a boy
- Heartburn during a pregnancy the baby has lots of hair
- Born w a hole by your tragus you have the gift of second sight
-If during your whole pregnancy you pick the gender u want, they'll be the opposite but w your chosen sex tendencies (cough cough)
- Right hand itch ur getting money
- Left hand itch, your about to owe someone ALOT
- Eye jumping or ears burning, someone is talking about you
- Dream about an ex, they're talking about you
- DONT BREAK THE SEAL!
- If you touch the _____ you must smoke
-If you drop the _______ your mate is cheating
- New years: 1st person through the threshold of your home must be a man w money in his pocket. Don't bring dirty clothes into the new year. Cook a pot of black eyed peas and cabbage!
Deep sigh . Thats all I can think of! I think all things happen for a reason and I don't want ANY REASON for things not to go my way. Lol some of these may seem far fetched but hey, if I do go through a spell of hard times I know its not bad luck. Bc I take preventative measures!! 

~Ash

I don't do numbers!!!

Sooo I got this great idea to do a blog for my natural hair anniversary which is in 3 DAYS (woop woop) By that day by the grace of  baby Jesus I will have a great blog with a collage and length checks and everything :-) 
The sad thing is, had I not uploaded a picture of my big chop on Facebook the day I took those safety scissors to my head I would have NO IDEA what day this nappiversary was! :((
Lately I've been thinking about how I cannot recall the dates of things that should be significant! 
Example:
- I was in a relationship with a young man for about 9 months. I have no idea what day an 'anniversary' would occur. Nor do I know his birthday >.<  horrible. 
-Idk what day I graduated highschool
-I cant remember either of my grandmothers bday (charge it to my head and not my heart)
-what day of the year is fathers day or mothers day?
-what date will I graduate college?
-Every time I am about to write the date I check my phone! 
- I thought I met the current beaux in February. Yesterday he informed me it was October :/
As a girl aren't I supposed to come installed with some internal date book for special moments??  When was my first kiss or lame sap stuff like that?? And don't get me started on phone numbers! I know mine, my moms, and my dads. The end! Its a great thing I wasn't born at the time that each town had a specific number for 911 >.< 
Idk I will try to do better. I have a selective memory and I don't like math. Those two combined is probably why I suck at this.
THE NUMBERS I HAVE RETAINED:
May 17
March 1
Dec 30
Oct 24
Feb 28
April 10